Post by sweetpea on Aug 21, 2014 9:25:10 GMT
I know some of these are old now but maybe bring a smile all the same. 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop anytime…
I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery to lay some flowers on a grave yesterday.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 gravediggers walking about with a coffin…
3 hours later they are still walking about with it….
I thought to myself, these beggars have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I would check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I gave her a big push and she fell over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai television was refused permission to broadcast, ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said, ‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.
My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday so I went to the local pet shop and they were £70.00.
b-ll-c ks to this I thought., I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statiscally, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
‘Morning’ I said
‘No’ he replied, ‘Just having a pee’.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.
Saw my mate outside the doctors today looking really worried.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
‘I’ve got the big ‘C’ he said.
‘What, cancer?’
‘No, Dyslexia’
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with e-bay.
He claims that the Wii gameboy he received isn’t what he was expecting.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
As from next week the forms will be printed in English.
Husband says to wife, ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear Silver and come second for a change?’
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, ‘Poor guy’s heading for a breakdown.’
On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign that said, ‘English speaking doctor.’
I thought. ‘Good idea why not have them in our country.’
The lead actor in the local pantomime ‘Aladdin’ was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop anytime…
I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery to lay some flowers on a grave yesterday.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 gravediggers walking about with a coffin…
3 hours later they are still walking about with it….
I thought to myself, these beggars have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I would check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I gave her a big push and she fell over.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai television was refused permission to broadcast, ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said, ‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.
My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday so I went to the local pet shop and they were £70.00.
b-ll-c ks to this I thought., I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statiscally, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
‘Morning’ I said
‘No’ he replied, ‘Just having a pee’.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.
Saw my mate outside the doctors today looking really worried.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
‘I’ve got the big ‘C’ he said.
‘What, cancer?’
‘No, Dyslexia’
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with e-bay.
He claims that the Wii gameboy he received isn’t what he was expecting.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it.
The Prime Minister, David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
As from next week the forms will be printed in English.
Husband says to wife, ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear Gold tonight.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear Silver and come second for a change?’
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, ‘Poor guy’s heading for a breakdown.’
On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign that said, ‘English speaking doctor.’
I thought. ‘Good idea why not have them in our country.’
The lead actor in the local pantomime ‘Aladdin’ was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
